Saturday, October 15, 2011

Zombie plague imminent

As many of you have read, there has been a threat of a plague about to hit the campus of WWU. Again, local analysts, with the aid of years of data and algorithms, have determined that the plague will become active on the morning of Wednesday, October 19th. The symptoms and spread of the virus seem to only manifest during the hours of 7 a.m. to 7 p.m.--It is believed that a combination of available sunlight and temperatures are the cause of this. Due to the metabolism and intensity of the virus, which essentially turns people into non-lethal "zombies," essentially burns itself out in a short amount of time. It then remains dormant until daylight times and temperatures become suitable again. 

As mentioned in the past, this virus can only be carried by and affect relatively small groups of campus populations.  There is no real correlation between these carriers. There is relatively no adverse affects of being a carrier of the virus, especially because of the very rapid life-cycle of each outbreak; however, it was deemed prudent by the local administration to regulate and observe events during the outbreak. In order to help regulate and observe the situation, the administration has sponsored a series of testing and briefing sessions to discover this quarter's potential carriers.

During these sessions, those present were briefed on how to react during the outbreak. Subjects that have a potential of becoming these so-called "zombies" will wear orange armbands to signal caution to all others on campus. If someone does become a "zombie," this orange band will be tied around the head. There will also be moderators with green armbands to make sure the outbreak doesn't interfere with daily campus life.

Three sessions still remain open, and will be held at Arntzen Hall, Room 100 @ 7 p.m.: tonight, and Monday and Tuesday evenings.

In conjunction with the local administration, there is a military force that will be monitoring the situation on campus. Intervention by this force has been authorized, and will be used sparingly. Initial talks reveal that there is a vaccine being developed by this group, and they may use it if needed. This military group published a report that the use of polyurethane, a man-made foam, temporarily stunts the spread of the virus: A single touch of polyurethane can limit the virus's abilities for up to fifteen minutes.

Due to the effectiveness of polyurethane, the military has urged the use of Nerf-created products, specifically blasters and darts. The accessibility, ease-of-use, and commercial popularity of these products was deemed the best option in equipping the carrier-population. It was also revealed that socks can be used as an equally viable option for warding off the infected.

(There are several theories to exactly why this is true. Some say include trace amounts of polyurethane are in the socks from the factories; chemicals in laundry detergent may have similar effects as polyurethane; and one researcher has even introduced the idea that the socks incubate a zombie-resistant compound after coming into contact with young adults' feet, and water from being washed).

If you feel that you may be a carrier, please, attend one of the meetings mentioned above. Additional information can be found online, on the local administratively-run website.

Good luck, and may you have good aim and quick feet.

Part 1
Part 3

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