Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Things I've Heard in College, Quarter IV

I wrote these down in classes mostly, and just went through them by subject, which is why they're so segregated this year.

"I don't really like meat--it's just a vessel for sauces."

"Last night, my boys took me out clubbing. I was feeling sick, but I went because I hadn't seen them for a while. I ended up chasing down shots of Jack Daniels with Pepto-Bismol."

"Yeah, that's right: I eat my banana split with just a banana and vanilla ice cream. No bowl or nothing. It's like a dessert hot dog!"

"This is an atheist room!"

Roommate in a mock-angry tone: "You didn't eat your pizza, so I ate all of yours!"
Me, in similar voice: "Well, then you must be SO full!"

Speech teacher: "Back in my day we had to do impromptu speeches. One of the topics for my friend was Reagan's trickle-down effect. My friend didn't know anything about it, so he spoke about plumbing in the White House."

"What is it that makes people want to have this guy Tommy Hillflinger's name on their clothes?"

"It's like a soft-core porn, but with all the sex scenes cut out."
"So, it's just all really bad lines and dialogue?"

"These primates lived in the trees--if you mis-gauged a jump, you literally fell out of the gene pool." Anthropology teacher

"America, you gotta love it, or change it." Journalism teacher

"I use 5 different Haggen cards. They never know who I am."

Teacher came to class with dark shades due to an eye condition: "Don't ever get old, it sucks. Also, I'm not trying to be cool--I'm not a lost cause--and I'm not stoned."

Student asked: "What's a pollotarian?"
Teacher responds: "You only eat polar bears."

Anthropology teacher brought non-alcoholic beer to class to make his lecture stand out, and upon hearing lots of students asking for it he said: "I never contribute to the delinquency of underage students."

Anthropology teacher in class, the Tuesday just before Thanksgiving break, upon seeing all the empty chairs: "They all know that Wednesday off means the whole week off. Wait! You're all freshman, you're not supposed to know those rules yet."

Anthropology teacher: "What's that sport where you're running, leaping, and spidermanning everywhere?"
Several students: "Parkour!"
A handful of students: "(Hardcore, parkour!)"

As anthropology teacher comes to class--after not being there for two weeks--a few students chant "Anthro, anthro, anthro" faster and louder until he makes it to the front.

Computer science teacher: "If you don't interact with people, you can't get in trouble. That's why I work with computers."

Computer science teacher on Oct. 11: "Only 56 shopping days left until Christmas."

Caomputer science teacher: "How many of you trick or treated last night?"
One student raises hand.
Teacher: "Only one admits it?"

"YouTube: Watching a freaky girl doing a freaky thing."

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